Toxic Relationships

    Leith Ross’ soft love ballad “We’ll Never Have Sex” explores the aftereffects of a failed, toxic relationship in contrast with a growing, healing relationship with their new partner. Throughout the song, the nature of extractive behavior in romantic relationships within a patriarchal society is described through metaphors saturated with visceral environmental imagery and implied contrasts against their toxic relationship. Through the lens of non-reciprocal and extractive relationships, developed by Naomi Klein, the song becomes a near-universal experience for Western romantic relationships centered on the uneven distribution of resources: one party (predominantly seen as masculine) taking and “dominating” the other (typically feminized). Furthermore, the song and the relationships explored exemplify the feminization and subsequent domination of nature through extractive means.

 

    The lens used to explore Ross’ piece hinges on Naomi Klein’s concept of extractivism directed and focused more directly on relationships between individuals, especially in a romantic setting (applying extractivism to all forms of relationships would be a much longer paper). Social activist and author Naomi Klein describes extractivism as the “nonreciprocal, dominance-based relationship with the earth, one purely of taking” (169). The focus on the relationship in addition to the physical act of resource extraction reminds the reader that extractivism is a pillar of Western society and a branch of the main root that connects all nonreciprocal relationships (i.e. the patriarchy, capitalism, etc.): the individual is above all and there will always be a “loser,” a less powerful minority group stripped of something (anything) to uphold a dominant group. As author Leanne Simpson elaborates, “extraction isn’t just about mining and drilling, it’s a mindset — it’s an approach to nature, to ideas, to people” (75). Through Simpson, extraction becomes better understood as a mindset and an ideology capable of transcending mere physical acts based in forests, underneath the ground, and in the depths of the oceans. In terms of a romantic relationship, these extractive forces are commonly understood as a masculine person dominating a feminine person, generally a man and a woman, respectively. It’s important to note, however, that the reverse also exists and should not be dismissed and that traditional masculine and feminine roles are not strictly reserved for the gender binary. Within the framework of human and non-human relationships, parallels can be drawn to the aforementioned romantic relationships, especially when the feminization of nature and narrative of domination are taken into account. Environmental extractivism truly began to take form in the 1600s as English philosopher Francis Bacon pushed the ideology that humanity needed to “accept the role as [earth’s] dungeon master,” popularizing the dominance-based narrative popular with heteronormative relationships onto Western relations with nature (Klein 170). With this in mind, the narrative associated with nature shifted from that of respect in the sublime to another idea or person to be conquered, mimicking language used in conversations of masculinity’s domination over femininity (i.e. “penetration”) (Klein 170). With the aforementioned frames of extractivism and the feminization of nature, the themes covered in Ross’ ballad will hopefully be understood.

 

    Leith Ross, a trans and nonbinary singer/songwriter from Canada, sings about the subtle impacts of being in a gentle, loving relationship after being in a toxic one using environmental metaphors and imagery to define the contrast between these two relationships. In the first line of the song, they write: “Depollute me, pretty baby/Suck the rot right out of my bloodstream” (Ross lines 1-2). The pollution described is the remnants of toxic behaviors and tainted memories of what love should be, perverted by greedy hands and a sense of entitlement inherent in extractive and harmful relationships. Similar to environmental pollution, it causes slow violence to occur. Lingering effects bring additional harm that continues to impact how they view the world and their current relationship. While this essay will not go in-depth on slow violence, it is important to note the similarities the imagery of pollution presents in regard to how relationships are viewed. Furthermore, the solution proposed, to “[s]uck the rot out of [their] bloodstream,” brings to light that the only true way to heal from extractive slow violence in relationships is constant work to undo the harm caused (Ross line 2). In a romantic sense, this involves both parties actively working against the extractive norms placed on them — duties to play parts as masculine-coded colonizers and feminized victims (for lack of a better word). Converting this into the relationship between humans and non-humans, the same could be said: the harm and slow violence caused by years of colonization and extractivism can be remedied by a continuous process of respecting the earth as equals, not as another entity to conquer. Ross describes this as “[feeling] the sickness less and less” as the tense apprehension from dominance-based behavior is replaced by active care work from someone not feeling entitled to anything, just wanting to love and respect someone they hold dear (line 18).

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    Due to the extractive nature of relationships drenched in the stench of a patriarchal society, many who buy into the masculinized, extractive role in a relationship feel entitled to sex while many in the extracted, feminized role feel obligated to provide sex to maintain the relationship. Ross conveys this experience first-hand in their previous relationship (or the relationship of their avatar). In this moment, they describe being pleasantly surprised by such a care-filled, soft action: “Oh, you kissed me just to kiss me/Not to take me home/It was simple, it was sweetness/It was good to know” (Ross 2022). The temporarily stunned expressed in this interaction expresses how this non-extractive exchange counters the norm pushed onto them in their previous relationship. The critical thing about Ross’ song is that it buys space for extraction and the slow violence and harm of dominance-based relationships based in the patriarchy in a non-academic setting. Listeners and readers are able to feel this music and begin to intrinsically understand this song through their own experiences and lens, allowing them to deconstruct the system they were born into and see the water they swim in. Amid the soft vocals and strums of acoustic guitar, the reality and lasting impacts of toxic relationships are present.

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    Leith Ross’ ballad “We’ll Never Have Sex” explores the nature of extractive behavior in romantic relationships within a patriarchal society with metaphors based on environmental imagery and passive descriptions of their toxic relationship in contrast to their current relationship. Through the lens of non-reciprocal relationships and extractivism, the song can be understood as the throughline of extractive, toxic relationships in a romantic setting and between humanity and non-humans (mainly nature in this sense). Extractivism, in the context of patriarchy, also adds an additional layer to understanding power imbalances between masculine and feminine figures in the environment and society in general. In a sense, this song also reveals a nearly universal desire for a reciprocal love not based on simply fucking (over) someone else for personal gain. It describes a relationship based on mutual respect and healing for the sake of simply caring about the other person. The care placed into the lyrics and into the relationship is antithetical to the Western definition of how relationships “should” operate in a patriarchal society — extractive, one-sided, and domination-based.

 

References

Klein, Naomi. This Changes Everything: Capitalism vs. The Climate. New York, Simon & Schuster, 2014.

Ross, Leith. “We’ll Never Have Sex.” We’ll Never Have Sex, Republic Records, 2022. Spotify, https://open.spotify.com/album/7ji2CX2KOzJgYY1Du1aaS3.

Simpson, Leanne Betasamosake. As We Have Always Done: Indigenous Freedom through Radical Resistance. University of Minnesota Press, 2017.